


Wayward

by Crosstap



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: F/F, Im a slow writer, Lexi doesn't really know what she is feelings, Longing, Romance, This is sort of a recap of the show sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 21:24:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20142220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crosstap/pseuds/Crosstap
Summary: "All her life, Lexi watched as things fell apart. It was like sitting in a dark dusty room watching a roll of film showing everything that she could not do anything about. Her parents shouting in the night, their divorce, her dad leaving (and not coming back). The gears spinning too loud to hear her own thoughts as she watched images fly by to the point where it was burned into her brain."





	Wayward

Lexi Howard has spent her whole life looking after others.

She wasn't sure how it started. It was just something that seemed to come to her naturally. Like breathing, or walking. 

Maybe If she was to accredit it to anything she was most likely pinpoint it to her sister. Since they were young it always seemed like Cassie had the spotlight on her. That light was solely on her sibling, and past the illumination of her life, Lexi felt like she was stuck in the surrounding shadows. Cassie was kind, popular, beautiful - practically all the basic terms that people would use to describe someone that they don't know, but still admire. 

Nevertheless, Lexi loves her sister. She doesn't hold anything against her for how things have turned out, it's just how things are. (Lexi tends to use that thinking for a lot of things)

But along with the territory of beauty and popularity for Cassie, trouble seemed to follow. (It started getting worse after their dad left, Lexi thinks.)

In middle school, Lexi would remember how in the night seeing her sister climb out of the window dressed in clothes that made her look older than she should. 

"Where are you going?" Lexi would ask in a hushed whisper. 

Cassie froze in mid windowsill crouch and turned her head. The moon glowing through the window made the glitter on her eyelids sparkle. With a guilty, yet amused smile she would put her index finger up to her glossed lips in an indication that she was doing something she wasn't supposed to. 

"Cover for me, Lex. I'll be back later."

Lexi wouldn't say anything as Cassie disappeared out of sight and without another second rolled over in bed, wondering how she managed to get ready so quietly. 

Covering for Cassie soon became a regular occurrence. Lexi trusted her sister, that was without saying. And in the times that Lexi questioned the actions of her sister, she just thought of what her dad told her once. 

"The best way to learn is to make mistakes."

(Lexi took that to heart but she wasn't sure if he did)

So that is what Lexi followed. She knew her sister made mistakes (a lot of them) and she hoped that she would learn. And in the meantime, she would cover her because she knew that her sister would do the same for her. 

So, as Lexi would support her sister in every aspect, maybe she began to do it for everyone else too. 

When Lexi met Rue in pre-school she instantly admired her. 

Even as a young child, Rue had an aura that drew Lexi in like a whirlpool. Rue was stubborn, hard-headed and independent - something that Lexi found hard to do. 

She remembers distinctly when Mark Johnson stole her crayons in the 1st grade. Her dad had bought them for her birthday and they had one of those sharpeners built into the box (those were the shit). Lexi didn't mind sharing, but when Mark Johnson didn't give them back she thought, maybe he didn't have crayons at home. She was sad that she no longer had her crayons, but maybe Mark needed them more.

Soon after, when Rue found out, she stuck a finger up her nose, smeared a booger on his face and took back Lexi's crayons. 

"Don't let people take what's yours." Rue had a lisp caused by a missing front tooth. 

"What if he needed them more than I did?"Lexi asked holding the box close to her chest.

"Then he should have asked," Rue stated before continuing her drawing of her dad. 

As they got older, they started to drift apart. They were put in different classes in middle school, but Lexi still tried to say hello to her friend as often as she could. Lunch breaks, basketball court, hallway passings. It wasn't like Rue was avoiding her, Lexi knew that it was just how things were. That didn't stop the small part of her sentimental heart miss her old friend. 

All her life, Lexi watched as things fell apart. It was like sitting in a dark dusty room watching a roll of film showing everything that she could not do anything about. Her parents shouting in the night, their divorce, her dad leaving (and not coming back). The spinning of the gears too loud to hear her thoughts as she watched images fly by to the point where it was burned into her brain. 

She tried to not let it affect her too much. She knew her mom and Cassie felt it too. Especially Cassie. Lexi knew she had to be strong. The foundation her sister could rely upon. She just wished her mom had relied on her too (she found alcohol as a foundation instead).

After Rue's dad died, Lexi, Cassie, and their mom went to the funeral. It wasn't very big since not a lot of their family lived in the state but there were close friends.

It was in a small old white church, one of the ones that looked like something that you would find with a quick google search. Lexi remembered the day distinctly - how beautiful it was. How the sky was clear, the air warm with a gentle breeze. The day was so perfect it was cruel. Cruel how even though Rue's father was gone - someone who she loved more than anything, the world still went on. 

She remembers seeing Rue's face that day. Something she wouldn't forget, nor want to see again. Pure despair. 

It was like the sun streaming through the colored glass panes had lost their color and the world turned gray. Rue had drowned in her whirlpool of emotion and it had reached the point where everything just became nothing. Her friend was lost and Lexi couldn't do anything about it. She couldn't fix this. That was when she realized that some things just couldn't be fixed.

There was something in Lexi's heart that had kept a piece of Rue locked away that she couldn't shake, and she thought that maybe, that piece was the only thing that remained of her old friend before that day. 

As time passed, it was like Lexi saw Rue through a mirror. A reflection that was still Rue, but not the same. Like something unnoticeable but still bothering. Still, she tried her best to show her support to her friend. They spoke ever so often in short conversations. 

When they were placed in English Comp class together Lexi found herself becoming familiar with the back of Rue's head. She sat a seat ahead and sometimes either fell asleep or fidgeted with the ends of her unruly brown hair. Throughout the 45 minute class period, it was like Lexi couldn't focus. Every time her eyes would be drawn back to Rue, like if she wasn't sure if she was still there. Like if she looked away and looked back the seat would be empty.

Throughout the semester, being so close to Rue was refreshing. The girls would be project partners and as they did their work (mostly Lexi did her work) they joked and laughed like they used to. 

When Rue had come over to hang out after school one day, Lexi did not expect the situation they ended up in - sitting directly across from each other on the couch awkwardly staring at each other. 

It started with the question "have you ever kissed someone?"

Rue was sitting on her bed reading a magazine that was thrown haphazardly about the room, most likely by cassie. She looked up and her face scrunched in confusion a bit. Then it morphed into a look of thought as she slowly recalled her memories.

"Hmmm, yeah." She replied after a long moment."Have you?"

Lexi pursed her lips together. Would it be lame to say that she hadn't? They were in high school and she still hadn't even reached first base. Wasn't it sort of normal to have kissed at least one person? She never really had the urge to. 

Growing up, Lexi hadn't really understood the lure of romance. At least from what she saw if her friends. Most of the time people would date for a week, maybe a month or two and break up. It seemed sort of inconvenient to dedicate your time to someone when you wouldn't be with them for a long time. (She thought her parents were in love, but now she wasn't sure)

"No." She said finally.  
A week ago Tucker Blake had asked her to the winter formal. He helped her in chemistry a lot so she thought he was nice - plus she hadn't been to a dance before, so she figured it might be fun. It wasn't until later Cassie had discovered what had happened.

"Oh my god, Lex!" Cassie had squealed in a pitch that made Lexi grimace.

"Tucker is really cute! Do you like him?"

Lexi rolled over, previously on her back scrolling through her daily feed of "Cute Animals Weekly". 

"I suppose so, yeah." She said clicking her phone closed."He helps me in chemistry."

Cassie grinned but wasn't satisfied with her answer. "But do you like like him." She said, a teasing tone in her voice. 

Lexi looked perplexed as she thought of her answer. She hadn't thought about why Tucker had asked her. Did he like her? 

"You guys are going to be so cute," Cassie said not waiting for her answer. She flipped over onto her back, making the bed squeak a bit."You will have to tell me all the details later about your night." And with that, she left Lexi with a wink and swirling thoughts.

Back to the current time, Lexi was rifling through Cassie's closet looking for a dress to wear to the dance, her back to Rue. So when she had asked, she was nervous. Talking about boys and kissing and anything along the lines of that subject Lexi didn't have a problem talking about with the other girls (mostly they talked and she listened). With Rue, it felt kind of awkward. 

"Is this about that Tucker dude?" Rue asked, breaking the silence that had stretched for too long. 

Lexi's hand stopped on a dark red maroon dress that caught her attention. "Cassie thinks he is going to kiss me."She said pulling it from the closet to inspect it closer. "And I… I haven't really kissed anyone before." She decided if she would admit that to anyone it should be Rue.

But what if he didn't like her? What if he thought she was gross? What if he didn't help her in chemistry anymore? What if he did like her, but she didn't like him the same way and she would be too shy to say otherwise until they had already been dating for a long time and they would have to figure out who would have custody over their dog? 

Rue chuckled behind her, making Lexi turn around inquisitively. "I don't think its that hard you just...smoosh mouths together." 

Lexi seemed unconvinced. 

Rue set down the magazine and made her way over to the couch. She plopped down with a sigh and set her head on her hand which was propped against the cushion. 

"There are lots of different ways to kiss I guess though, like french kissing."

Lexi put the dress back into the closet, making a mental note that she would wear it tonight for the dance. Then, she sat down across from Rue crossed her legs comfortably.

"That sounds...complicated." She said, feeling the nerves wound back up into her stomach. 

"I can show you if you want," Rue said nonchalantly with a shrug. Lexi's eyes followed her hand go up and brush back a tuft of curly brown hair out of her face. 

Kissing. Her and Rue. Kissing. Was that something that friends do…she didn't think so. But, she thought - girls do it with guys sometimes where they kiss and they aren't dating, so why should this be that different? Double standard people.

Plus, it was just practicing. Nothing wrong with that. Purely platonic. 

"Okay," Lexi said scooting a bit closer. 

So here they were, sitting across from each other awkwardly (mostly for Lexi) about to french kiss. 

Lexi was suddenly self-conscious. Where should she put her hands? Were her lips too chapped? Did her breath smell bad? What if she misses? Where does her nose go when they kiss? Wouldn't it be in the way?

The second that Rue began to move forward Lexi did the same and when she closed her eyes she hoped that her instinct wouldn't fail her. 

The moment that they kissed, Lexi wasn't sure how to describe how she was feeling. It was kind of like being in a cold room and pulling up a heavy warm blanket. Or like somebody turned out the lights and all of her senses worked harder to make up for the lost feeling. It was confusing.

Rue's lips were sort of chapped, but they were still warm, and it was intoxicating being so close to her. Any thoughts other than what was happening right now were wiped from her head and the weirdest thing; it felt normal. It didn't feel weird that she was kissing Rue. It felt like something natural that Lexi found herself getting comfortably settled in. 

There wasn't much movement in the moments that their lips were pressed together. Rue moved back even just the slightest bit, and when Lexi felt that she couldn't stop herself for moving forward to close the space again. 

Then when she felt Rue's hand reach up and touch her cheek, Lexi felt like she had suddenly become sober, her thoughts coming back to wash over the blank space in her brain.

She was kissing Rue.

Quickly Lexi pulled back, and opened her eyes, seeing her friend's now puzzled face looking back at her from a foot away.

(In the back of her head Lexi thought it was cute when Rue's eyebrows get furrowed like that)

"Is this like, really weird and uncomfortable for you?" 

Secretly alarms were going off in Lexi's head. Was Rue feeling the same way? Was this what it was like to kiss everyone? Do people just get used to it? It certainly was weird, but not uncomfortable. 

"Um, no. Not really." She said, with a small shrug. 

It was a relief. Partly because this didn't make it weird between them, and partly because it helped Lexi feel less self-conscious about her feelings. If Rue was so comfortable with it then it must be normal.

"Okay, um. I'm gonna get ready." 

Later that night when Tucker tried to kiss her she was prepared (mentally), but it didn't feel the same. His lips were too rough and his hands felt awkward on her hips. She didn't feel anything like before and she compared it to sort of kissing a wall. She figured it was him.

"There are lots of boys out there Lex," Cassie said after getting filled in on what happened. (Lexi and Tucker decided to just stay friends and after getting milkshakes he brought her home)

"How do you know when someone is right?"  
Lexi was laying on her back, staring up at the popcorn ceiling. 

There was a long pause before for Cassie answered.

"They make you feel wanted."

(Lexi wasn't sure she agreed)

After English Comp had ended Lexi found herself missing Rue more than before. She missed seeing that old red hoodie that Rue wore so much and seeing how curly her hair would be that day. Luckily they still talked every once in a while when they saw each other. Time passed uneventfully.

When Cassie told Lexi that Rue had overdosed, Lexi didn't know what to feel. It was like someone (maybe Rue) had pulled the rug from out under her feet. She had to choke back her emotions and close her eyes and hope it was a dream. Like this was one big sick fucking dream that had all started when Rue's dad died. Rue didn't deserve what she went through and nothing hurt Lexi more than knowing that she couldn't do anything. 

She wondered what was the last thing she said to Rue. After a moment, she remembered that they had briefly talked a week ago at her locker. Rue had asked for a piece of gum. A fucking piece of gum.

Was that really the last thing that Rue had said to her? And the last thing to Rue "Sure"? No words like "you are a good friend", "I miss you", "I hope you have a great day", "I love you".

Lexi wondered if Rue knew that she loved her. That no matter what Rue did she would always wonder how she is or if she is okay. No matter what her friend did she would be pulled back in and Lexi was okay with that. If it meant being there in the end with her, Lexi would do anything. 

Instead, all she would remember is that Rue wanted a fucking piece of gum. 

She cried that night with Cassie holding her until she fell asleep. (She didn't)

When Lexi heard the news that Rue was okay it was like a rock had been lifted on her heart. But these feelings had left a scar that healed slow. Lexi never went to see Rue, she thought it would be too hard. And by the time that she decided to at least say hello, Rue was already off to rehab. 

So, that left Lexi continuing with her life, but leaving her with her thoughts to stew in all summer.

Cassie had asked her one night, "Why do you like Rue so much?"

Lexi stopped reading and looked up at her sister with slightly furrowed brows of thought ."Um, I don't know. She's my friend."

Cassie didn't seem all that satisfied with her answer, but she chose to pry anymore and instead went back to her phone.

Which left Lexi wondering. Why did she like Rue so much? Was it because they were childhood friends? That's how it started. But a lot of people who were childhood friends and grew apart. Was it because she admired Rue in some ways? How she would take shit from no one and speak her mind? How Rue struggled with so many things, but the way that Lexi saw her, she seemed so strong to still keep going. 

Maybe it was because Rue saw Lexi as Lexi - not as Cassie’s sister, or the quiet nice girl who stood to the side. Or maybe, Lexi held onto the image of Rue of when they were younger. The girl who stood up for her and taught her to stand up for herself. The girl she admired. Maybe, deep down, Lexi didn’t want to admit that Rue had changed. 

Lexi never decided on an answer.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the abrupt ending. I wrote a lot and I wanted to post what I had before I burned out of writing. Gotta help the drought of Euphoria content we are going through lol. Comment what yall think/or favorite part/ or just a suggestion! I appreciate it! Thanks for reading! Hopefully, there will be more to come but it's not scheduled. Be sure to check back every once and a while!


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